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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER A practical, heartfelt guide to the art of truly knowing another person in order to foster deeper connections at home, at work, and throughout our lives—from the author of The Road to Character and The Second Mountain
“More than a guide to better conversations, it’s a blueprint for a more connected and humane way of living. It’s a must-read for anyone looking to deepen their relationships and broaden their perspectives.”—Bill Gates, GatesNotes (Summer Reading Pick)
As David Brooks observes, “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.”
And yet we humans don’t do this well. All around us are people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood. In How to Know a Person, Brooks sets out to help us do better, posing questions that are essential for all of us: If you want to know a person, what kind of attention should you cast on them? What kind of conversations should you have? What parts of a person’s story should you pay attention to?
Driven by his trademark sense of curiosity and his determination to grow as a person, Brooks draws from the fields of psychology and neuroscience and from the worlds of theater, philosophy, history, and education to present a welcoming, hopeful, integrated approach to human connection. How to Know a Person helps readers become more understanding and considerate toward others, and to find the joy that comes from being seen. Along the way it offers a possible remedy for a society that is riven by fragmentation, hostility, and misperception.
The act of seeing another person, Brooks argues, is profoundly creative: How can we look somebody in the eye and see something large in them, and in turn, see something larger in ourselves? How to Know a Person is for anyone searching for connection, and yearning to be understood.
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EB –
avid Brooks is someone you’d love to be sitting next to at a dinner party or bump into at a wedding reception or get stuck in an elevator with for hours. He reads widely and is the epitome of curious journalism. He’s interested in people, and appreciates it when someone welcomes conversation, even when — or maybe especially when — the dialogue gets deep. Very deep.
What makes people who they are? What’s made a difference someone’s life in a way that’s changed them? What can we learn from each other? These sorts of questions aren’t just rhetorical ponderances, but versions of questions Brooks not only asks others, but encourages us to ask ourselves and each other.
Much of this book I’ve learned from my husband who — honestly, truly — fits Brooks’ description of someone who is genuinely wise. Sadly, Brooks seems to forget or ignore or overlook the many people we meet or know who’d just rather not have a deep conversation. In my experience, those are often the people I most want a deep conversation with. Perhaps I missed his suggestions for dealing with these situations, and it’s not a fault of the book’s but of mine.
The concept he begins with — that there are “Illuminators” and “Diminishers” — is very true, but seems relatively simplistic, given the complexity it takes to Really Know A Person. There will always be people ready to lift you up while others can’t wait to tear you down, and learning to distinguish them is something we should all do, especially if we haven’t managed that past our teens (count me as a latecomer to that understanding of people).
Generally, much of his advice about really seeing people is, essentially, getting to know someone well. You spend time with them. You find out about their lives and their personal histories. You learn what’s important to them, how they navigate through life’s challenges.
All of this is in Brooks’ book. And while I know I’m no where near the Illuminator he’d love to see us all become (mostly because that would mean the Diminishers have been vanquished), I also know that it sometimes takes more than he offers. There are, as I mentioned, people important to us who just don’t want to be open, who are too terrified of being vulnerable, even to those who love them.
I wish Brooks would have spent some time addressing those situations. His examples arise from dinner party conversations and individuals he’s crossed paths with through his work as a journalist. What about that person who seems to be reaching for friendship but is very different from you? What about the person you’ve gotten to know casually and like, but who holds contrary political or religious beliefs and might stop spending time with you if they knew you were so opposed in these ways?
Perhaps I missed this (so if I did, he must not have spent much time with them)… perhaps this will be a future book, or is covered in another of his books (this is the first of his I’ve read).
Brooks is an engaging writer and I can hear his PBS voice as I read the book, which is why I’ll likely read another by him. He offers the thoughtful, well-intentioned, respectful voice we all need to hear these days.
Alex Kroll –
I see so many people speaking to each other in a hurtful manner. This book is a gift to give to everyone who is interested in speaking and listening with more care, love and empathy. In two words: Amazing + Gratitude
Brayden Wilkinson –
This book reinforces my belief that we are all together in this life. With a little effort on our part and some techniques the book points to, we can see people for who they truly are. We CAN make the world a more caring and understanding place for everyone.
Derek Smith –
This book is so timely. In an age where brevity and expedience through social media are valued more than face-to-face discussions, this author knows how to reach that important inner self. I didn’t expect to be so enthralled by such a book – credit to the author for producing such a readable and thought-provoking book. Highly recommended.
JanineB –
I liked this book so well that I gave it to someone as a wedding present. It can stand up to a number of readings because there are many important points. To try to know and understand someone is the most loving thing a person can do.
Diane Burroughs –
Lucky us that we get to read 307 pages on how to become a better person. It’s a read that naturally led me to pause, reflect, and metabolize the importance of what was being conveyed. We get the opportunity to be an “Illuminator.” One that sees people beyond the cliché character types but sees with a glowing gaze that is tender, generous, and receptive. “We need to rediscover ways to teach moral and social skills. This crisis helped motivate me to write this book.”
“There was love in the home. We just didn’t express it…by high school I had taken up long-term residency inside my own head. I felt most alive when I was engaged in the solitary business of writing.”
It’s not surprising David Brooks became a journalist with depth and a sense of humor. He’s an op-ed columnist for The New York Times, appears regularly on PBS News Hour, NPR’s All Things Considered, NBC’s Meet the Press, teaches at Yale, and writes best-selling books.
Growing up our cerebral author was clueless about having a social life. College should have been an opportunity he says, “To help thaw my emotional ice age.” But the University of Chicago was a heady world and he fit right in. Ten years out of college it wasn’t easy to get to know him nor was it easy for him to get to know anyone. “When other people revealed some vulnerable intimacy to me, I was good at making meaningful eye contact with their shoes and then excusing myself to keep a vitally important appointment with my dry cleaner.”
Our introverted author inwardly wanted to connect but didn’t know how to do that. “When it came to spontaneous displays of emotion, I had the emotional capacity of a head of cabbage.”
While reading I asked myself two questions. Was I aware if I was detached (not the healthy kind where you remove yourself from an abusive situation), but removed from being in close relationships? Have I ever considered that detachment is an estrangement not just from other people but from myself?
Brooks learned that being open-hearted is not enough. People need social skills. For example, greeting disagreements with respect and curiosity; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view, and more goodies.
In the social media world, there’s the illusion of social contact. Stimulation replaces intimacy as judgment is everywhere and understanding is nowhere. This book was the result of his obsession to obtain social skills. “If you want to thrive in the age of AI, you better become exceptionally good at connecting with others.”
David struck out on his connecting with humanity journey. He considers himself a grower. Oprah validated that he was when guesting on her Super Soul Sunday show in 2019. He’s thinkin’, “Come on, if Oprah said it, it must be true.”
Preparations for careers seem to trump the skills of knowing how to build trust, care, and to have good quality connections with others. David believes human beings long to have another person look into their face with loving respect and acceptance. He wants us to learn how to know individuals and be sommeliers of people. “If you have that sommelier’s expertise in the human personality, you can see people more clearly as, like wine, they improve with age.”
Rajiv Krishnan Pisharoti –
The questions which the author, has mentioned in this book are powerful and implementable. They truly help in understanding a person better. Read this book if the title interests you!
Gareth Griffiths –
I don’t understand the hype. This book fails to engage and the writing is subpar. There are books that grip you from the start on this subject. This one doesn’t. Borefest.
Update : i struggled through and when he starts talking about his friend who passed, his style becomes more fluid and vastly improves the experience. Going from 1 to 4 stars.
Lili –
This book contained exactly what I was looking for and more. The author takes the reader through a series of ways on how to see a person fully and thus connect: knowing how to see through sorrow, how to engage in difficult conversations, how to see taking context into consideration, etc. Great read for anyone looking to build stronger human relationships.
Celeste Sowder –
I took my time to read this book. In all honesty, I do not remember ordering it. It came with an order of several books, and this is the book that I savored. I am a micro influencer with my largest audience on Facebook. I go live every single morning, and for the past 6 weeks, I have referenced one or more parts of this book most mornings.
I am a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to opening my eyes and seeing the world outside of myself. I was diagnosed with ADHD in December of 2023, and since then, I am able to not only give myself compassion, I am able to extend it to others also. “How to Get to Know a Person” by David Brooks has been a catalyst in my life to start leaning in to the conversations that happen in real life.
I don’t know if this will ever get back to the author, but I want to say, “Thank you.” This book was beautifully and vulnerably written, and it was so timely in my life. Honestly, “Masterpiece,” and, “Your life’s work,” comes to mind when I think of it. Thank you for having the courage to write it.
Celeste Sowder